Archive for August 13th, 2008


China, land of things not quite as they seem…

August 13, 2008
You can't get me to believe this stupid-looking stadium is really there, either

Is this really there?

Note: for this post, the sarcasm light is definitely lit.

So the Chinese, in an effort to produce a more perfect Olympic experience, faked some of the fireworks in the opening ceremony for broadcast using CGI. They also substituted a “better-looking” little girl singer who lip-synced for another ceremony. They made people leave over a million cars at home to reduce the smog level in Beijing. Aren’t they caring? We want you to have a good experience, and we’ll fake it until we make it.

Other things they could do:
• Change all those spellings back to what I remember growing up, like “Peking” instead of Beijing.
• Be nice to Tibet.
• Become a democratic nation.
• Quit picking on Taiwan – yo, it’s just a little island; give them a break!
• Give the British back Hong Kong. Poor guys, the Brits need a boost right now, what with all the nanny-state socialism running rampant, continuing poor dental care, a huge influx of Muslims, and Scotland talking independence. And they really miss Tony Blair, even though they will be too “stiff upper lip” to let on.

Chicago’s mayor-for-life, Richard “Elmer Fudd” Daley, wants the 2016 Olympics in Chicago so bad he can taste it. Here are some suggestions to help improve his chances:

• Bribe the Olympic officials way more than the other guys do.
• Build a “homeless village” at the Lincoln Park zoo and move ’em in there. It shouldn’t cost more than Millennium Park – maybe a half billion or so.
• Build flyin’ cars so we don’t have to use the Eisenhower Expressway, which always sucks.
• Bribe the Olympic officials way more than the other guys do.
• Promise the Olympic officials that they will get to meet David Hasselhoff, Jerry Lewis, and Jessica Simpson. (I just threw the last one in. I don’t know if she’s popular in Europe or not.) Maybe Will Smith. Maybe Michael Jordan – I mean, who doesn’t want to meet Michael Jordan?
• Bribe some more Olympic officials. Who’s it gonna hurt?
• If they still won’t give the Olympics to us, send in Mike Ditka. Nobody says no to Mike Ditka. You know this is true.

I’ll have to work on that some more. I mean, Chicago is a pretty neat town already, except for the cabs, the expressways, and that extra sales tax in Cook County. I’m not a big reality TV fan, but I’d watch a series where random Chicago cabbies are driving Olympic participants around town. The term “language barrier” was invented for that…